The Shoe Pledge (joke)

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Alright ladies, it's that time of year once again!!! I think we need to be reminded of a few things. So my sisters, PLEASE, raise your big toes and repeat after me below....

The Open Toed Shoe Pledge

As a member of the Cute Girl Sisterhood, I pledge to follow the Rules when wearing sandals and other open-toe shoes:

I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.

I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free. I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow.

I will shave the hairs off my big toe.

I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.

If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back into place hoping it will stay put.. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.

I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl's if my feet need him.

I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.

I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.

I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that hertoes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy feet look good.

I will promise if I wear flip flops that I will ensure that they actually flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them.

I will promise to go to my local nail salon at least once per season and have a real pedicure (they are about $25 or $35 and worth EVERY penny).

I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show signs of wear... nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals..
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Lynn Viehl said...

A couple of add-ons: I promise to first take care of my nasty case of nail fungus/athelete's foot/celluitis before I expose my piggies to the world.

I will not wear inappropriate temporary tattoos on my ankles that make me look like a killer on vacation.

I will not first rub my feet with the automatic tanning product that turns all my calluses that weird orange-brown color.

I will grow up and get over my love for Crocs, which only look good on children under the age of two.

I will refrain from applying to my toe nails those tiny ridiculous Tinkerbell/Dora the Explorer/Hannah Montana decals, or anything else packaged as "nail art" and sold in dollar stores.

I will learn how to trim my toe nails withough making it look as if I've run over my foot with the push lawn mower.

vanessa jaye said...

You're far more thoughtful than I, Lynn. I was just going to promise to make sure my sweat-socks coordinated with my strappy heels.;)

azteclady said...

one word: sneakers

vanessa jaye said...

I like the way you think, AL. lol

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