
I just had an encounter with B.B.O (Beyond Body Odour--
remember that episode?). It was the guy sitting beside me on the train. His was not the type of funk that reached out and bitch slapped you in warning, so you knew good and well enough to keep your distance. This was the sneaky, wrap-its-hands-softly-around-your-throat-and-strangle-you-in-your-sleep funk.
I counted myself thankful that I grabbed one of the last empty seats during rush hour. The train is packed belly to back, and I'm lugging a couple of bags of groceries. I pull out my book and start reading....
But at some point I realize there's this peculiar, very unpleasant smell that's pulling me out of my very pleasant read. Then I realize that the guy to my left is clammy. I'm wearing a long sleeved t-shirt and jeans by the way. The unpleasant odor is coming from him. I try and make myself 'smaller'--even crowding the chick on my right--so there's the least amount of body contact with this guy. But now that I've picked up his scent I can't shake it. It grows in stomach churning strength.
And, yet... I can't give up my seat!
So I casually place my hand at my mouth/nose, blocking that one nostril in particular as I (try to) keep reading.
Ugh. Not really working.
I can't take it anymore!!! The stop before mine, I get up and walk to the end of the subway car.
When I get home, I start unpacking the groceries, but realize I can still 'smell' him.
Eeek!
With the groceries only half unpacked, I go upstairs, strip and leave my clothes on the floor *beside* the laundry hamper. I put on some hang-around-the-house clothes that I'd left flung over the foot of the bed, and go back downstairs. (After giving that one arm a little spritz of perfume.)
Arrrrgh! The lingering STENCH is STILL there!! I go back upstairs, strip again, and again leave the clothes on the floor of the laundry.
I soap up in the sink with: 1)my facial scrub 2)the liquid hand soap. Then I go into the shower and using loofah mitts, bathe with: 1)The boy's Irish Spring Sport soap 2)shampoo 3)my verbona scented soap.
I use regular body lotion, as well as two different brands of perfume body lotion, as well as another spritz of perfume, and I slick the boy's Old Spice anti-perspirant down my one affected arm. I change into freshly laundered clothes.
And DAMN if I still wouldn't swear that I'm catching ghost whiffs of THAT STENCH!
This is beyond, BBO.
It’s WTFBBQBBO!
It’s Nuclear BO with the half-life of plutonium grade BO! BO-nium!
*sob!*
(I will spear myself in the chest with one of these exclamations points momentarily!)
Labels: peeueww, where's my HAZMAT suit, you otta be ashamed