10 cliche Alternatives

Sunday, March 21, 2010

AAR blog has a fun post up: 10 Clichés We Can Live Without.

Well, clichés become clichés for a reason—they’re relatable, speak to basic/universal truths, work as short cuts for character/story, motivations, and many peep just have an unrepentant love for them. But they get stale, and when they do, iconic becomes a little too comfortable and slips into clichéd.

I didn’t comment on the blog post, but of course my mind went down some twisty paths as I thought of some alternatives to the listed clichés.

1. AAR: The heroine with the herb basket.

VJ: The heroine with the fanny pack.
Like her well known counter part the librarian heroine, the fanny pack heroine may seem unfashionable, but just pull the scrunchie, banana-clip, or bump-it out of this chick hair and she’s smoking hott!! Plus the fanny pack draws attention to her tiny waist and shapely hips. This gal ain’t just eye candy for the discerning hero, that fanny pack is stocked with all matter of emergency aid: hand sanitizer, lip balm, keys, id, wet-wipes, extra pair of glasses, and of course, condoms, but out of date condoms because while she’s always prepared, she’s never a slut.

2. ARR: The Absent-minded father.

VJ: The Inappropriate-interest-in-daughter father
. For him she’ll always be daddy’s little girl, except he’s noticed that princess has sprouted a fine pair of slamming breasticles and isn’t shy about letting everyone know his opinion, including the hero, who finds this more than just a little awkward.

3. ARR:The Napoleonic War Wound.

VJ: The Billionaire’s Blackberry Carpal Tunnel Syndrome
. A sure indication of our hero’s drive to overcome his deprived childhood and become the best. But we know all that money is a poor substitute for the love of a good woman. He may be connected to an international workforce, and his contact list may include presidents of countries, but the only one who has his number is the heroine. Don’t worry though, not even BBCT Syndrome can downplay the hero’s nubbin rubbin skillz that he’s perfected handling his Blackberry, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

4. ARR: Secret Nobleman Spy.

VJ: Works-from-home Neighbourhood Watch Hero
. He may seem like another lay about, won-the-lottery bum, but this guy notices that the family two houses over are buying way too much fertilizer, especially after covering most of their lot with inter-locking brick, which by the way might be against the Home Owner Association regulations. This guy is a triple threat! Wannabe terrorist apprehender, Rich n’ere do well playboy, and HOA Grand-Marshal. Hawt!!

5. ARR: Silly Hero Names.

VJ: Different names
. Y’all got no love for Filbert? How about Cletus, Junior, Vern, or Bob. We have Bob the builder, why not, Bob the Hero? What about Murdoch, Adwin, or Potitus?

There’s been a trend to name heroes after animals—Griffin, Raven, Wolfe, Ass--or weapons- Blade, Gunn, Spitzbahl. But what about diseases? Ague, Cystitis, Pox, Bloody Flux, Canker. Epitaxis, Lockjaw. All perfectly good, vaguely threatening, Manly Man names.

6. ARR: The Spunky small town girl.

VJ: The small-minded small town girl
. Those nosey old biddies populating small towns didn’t just leap full born from deacon Ezekiel’s head. They were all once young biddies. With fanny packs. Think about it.

7. ARR: The Selfish, Vain, Too Nasty To Be Believed “Other” Woman.

VJ: The Boring, Doormat, Too-good-to-be-true, Virginal, *will it fit?* ‘Other’ Woman.
Oh wait, she’s usually the heroine. Heh.

8. AAR: The Obligatory Ho Up the Heroine Scene.

VJ: The Optional de-sexing the Heroine Scene.
Hair scrapped back in unflattering bun, glasses, no make-up, baggy shapeless unfashionable clothing, sensible shoes, practical cotton underwear.. oh wait, that’s the Innocent Regency Miss/Repressed Contemporary Library Heroine *before* the Obligatory Ho Up scene. Never mind.

9. AAR: Heroine Who Ignores the Hero’s Advice and Thus Gets Into Big Trouble.

VJ: Heroine Who Ignores the Hero’s Advice because He Is An Ass talking out of his ass and she is a smart cookie
. But he’s good for other things if you know what I mean, and I think you do.

10. AAR: The Hero or Heroine Still Bearing Scars from High School Whose Life Goal (15 Years After High School) Is Revenge.

Me: The Hero or Heroine Still Bearing Scars from High School Whose Life Goal (15 VJars After High School) Is Revenge

Because success is the best revenge.

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raine said...

Very good. :)

vanessa jaye said...

Just having a little (typo-riddled) fun. :-P

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