Joke

Still going through my email, then back to lie down with my Vicks vaporub, Advil, and favourite blankie. This one was cute, and NSFW:

It's been known for years that sex is good exercise, but until recently nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now, for the first time in the Western world, here are the true caloric benefits of sex.

OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands......................8 Calories
With one hand.......................12 Calories
With your teeth.....................85 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection.....................6 Calories
Without an erection................315 Calories

PRELIMINARIES:
Kissing.............................22 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot...........92 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary..........................12 Calories
69 lying down.......................78 Calories
69 standing up.....................112 Calories (This burns up waay more calories. I suspect.)
Wheelbarrow........................216 Calories
Dog Fashion........................326 Calories (300 of those calories from sheer enjoyment. I've been told.)
Italian chandelier.................912 Calories (500 of those calories from shock of falling. uhm, probably.)

ORGASM:

Real...............................212
Faked..............................315 (ha! amateurs. with practice faking takes very little effort. 38 calories, tops.)


POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging..............................18 Calories
Getting up immediately............................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately.....816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are:
20-29 years old.....................36 Calories
30-39 years old.....................80 Calories
40-49 years old....................124 Calories
50-59 years old....................972 Calories
60-69 years old...................2916 Calories
70 years and older...............DEATH

DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly.....................................32 Calories
In a hurry.................................98 Calories
With her father/his mother knocking on the door...1218 Calories
With your wife/husband knocking on the door......3521 Calories