Saturday, June 11, 2005

Yep, I'm still here--it's sooo hard to get up off my duff and go back to work. Especially with a fan now trained on me. Anywho, Dude left a funny comment 2 blog posts below, which reminded me of a wicked heat/food related joke I got from a girlfriend. It's about a Jerk Chicken (yum,yum) Tasteoff that takes place in Jamaica with some poor unsuspecting tourist roped in as a last minute replacement for one of the local judges.

Is that a peper in your mouth, or are you just happy to see me?

SUBJECT: Jerk Chicken Tasteoff

Notes From An Inexperienced Jerk Chicken Taster Named FRANK, from Boston, who was visiting Jamaica:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Jamaica, to be a judge at a Jerk Chicken cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Jamaicans) that the Jerk Chicken wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: "Mosiah's Hell Raiser Jerk Chicken"

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on pimento. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: "Shatta's Mo Fyah Jerk Chicken"

JUDGE ONE: Smoky flavor. Slight Scotch Bonnet tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this @#$%& out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili # 3: "Willie's Backstrech Burn Jerk Chicken"

JUDGE ONE: Great kick. Needs more spices.
JUDGE TWO: A bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a &%$#@ joke. Call the @#$%& EPA; I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got the @&#*%! out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front. part of my chest

Chili # 4: "Wasp's Black Magic"

JUDGE ONE: Almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Good side dish for other mild foods.

FRANK: &%$#@!!! I felt something scraping across my tongue, but I was unable to taste it. Miss Icey, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili # 5: "My Yout's Legal Lip Remover"

JUDGE ONE: Scotch Bonnet peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Must admit the Scotch Bonnet peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed the &%$#@ paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her Jerk Chicken had given me brain damage. Miss Icey saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: "Shelly T's Very Spicy Variety"

JUDGE ONE: Good balance of spices and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers and spices. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili # 7: "Wally's Screaming Sensation Jerk Chicken"

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre Jerk Chicken with too much reliance on bottled seasoning.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw on bottled seasoning at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: I think these @$%& people are trying to kill me!!! You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with Jerk, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At the autopsy they'll know what the &$#@ killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: "Portia's Delight"

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend Jerk Chicken, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced Jerk Chicken, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the Jerk Chicken platter on top of himself.

FRANK: -------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)
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Canadian Dude said...

Hey.. thanks for the plug... I gave you one too.

Lucky for me.. our AC is working greaaaaaaaaaaat.

Danica said...

OMG, that is sooo funny!!

Larissa said...

LMAO! I've seen this before, but it was for a chili cookoff, and it always cracks me up. Love it! *g*

Kat said...

*GMBO* I keep coming back to your blog and re-reading this post. Always good for a giggle!

Jaye said...

No worries, Dude. You're a witty guy, it's my civic duty to point peeps in your direction. (And, suuuure, rub it in why dontcha about your #$@! a/c.)

This is one of the few joke emails I've saved. I get a chuckle each time I read it. Glad you guys enjoyed it.

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