Jokes of the day

Thanks to my twisted friends/coworkers for the emails that kept me in stitches today.

1. Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: A) All the DNA is the same. B) There are no dental records.

2. Two detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" the first detective asked.
"With a golf gun."
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."

3. A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.
The Greek says, "We have the Parthenon."
The Italian says, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek says, "We had great mathematicians."
The Italian says, "We had the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on for hours, until finally the Greek lights up and says... "We invented sex."
The Italian nods slowly and thinks, then replies, "That is true -- but it was Italians who introduced it to women."

4.Q: How are men like snowstorms? A: You never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

5. Mrs. Romanelli came to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria. During the course of the meal, Mamma can't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.

Reading into Mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mamma, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria comes to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sends his Mom an email:
---------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mamma, I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not
saying that you didn't take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony"
---------------------------------------------------------

Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from his Mamma,

"Figlio mio," (my son, for all those that are unfortunately not Italian) "I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Mamma


6. Three guys walk into a strip club.They sat by the stage and the first one says "check this one out",he licks a 20 and slaps it on her left ass cheek.The second guy says "I got ya beat!"and slaps a 50 on her right cheek.The third guy says" I got you both beat" and swipes his card....

7. So these two cannibals are eating a clown and one says, "does this taste funny to you?"

8. A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his pants. The bartender asks him what's with the steering wheel. The pirate replies: "Arrrrr, it's driving me nuts!"

9. These three women were sitting around one night talking about their boyfriends when they decide they would give thier man a nickname based on a type of soda. The first woman says, "I'm gunna call my Tom 'Mountain Dew', because he's as strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!" The second lady says, "I'm gonna call my Bruce 'seven up' because he's seven inches and it's always up!" The third women says,"i'm gunna call my man 'Jack Daniels'". The other two reply, "Jack Daniels? But thats a hard liquor." The third woman replied,"THAT'S MY LEROY!!!!"

10. What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers? Well hung.

11. A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks,
"Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York
City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.