Joke(s) of the Day

**I'm tired, lazy and stressed, so here's some jokes to tide you over:

1.
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."

2.
An elderly lady takes her hearing impaired husband to the doctor for yearly physical and workup... While the doctor keeps asking the man for a urine sample, a stoole sample, and a semen sample.. The wife keeps repeating the questions and the old man keeps saying "huh?" The wife becomes frusterated and finally yells at her husband, "GIVE THE MAN YOUR UNDERWEAR!!!"

3.
Tarzan goes for a job interview and the interviewer says he qualifies but now they have to get his complete name. The interviewer asks him, "What's your first name?" He says, "Tarzan." The interviewer asks "What's your middle name?" He says, "Tarzan" then the interviewer asks, "Well then what's your whole name? Tarzan says: "hole name Jane!"

4.
Three archeologists disturb a tribal burial ground and are accosted by natives. The chief tells them they must choose between death, and "Whuumbaa". The first chooses Whuumbaa, and large drums beat as an 8 foot, 600 pound native drops his pants and rips the archeologist a new asshole. The second, still with his friend's screams fresh in his ears, but fearing death, also chooses Whuumbaa. After discarding the first man, Whuumbaa turns to the second and commences his duty. The third archeologist says "F**k that, I choose DEATH!!!!" The chief glowers and replies, "Very well, you shall have death.............by Whuumbaa!!!"

5.
Bubba and Billy Bob, were walking through the grassy fields of Arkansas. Suddenly, Bubba stops when he sees a sheep with its head jammed in a barbed wire fence. "Hoo-yah!" cries Bubba, "Now ain't she purty?" He quickly hurries over to the sheep, drops his pants and hastily has his way with the sheep. When he is finished, he pulls up his pants and steps back and says to Billy Bob, "Ok, it's your turn now." Billy Bob pulls down his pants, walks over to the sheep, and jams his head into the barbed wire fence.

6.
A: What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?

Q: He gets taller.

7.
A: What did the leper say to the hooker?

Q: Keep the tip.